Saturday, August 20, 2011

The darkest hour. . just before the dawn.

I tend to be a private person about some things. I have a few friends I'll spill all too, but certain subjects I prefer to skip right on over. This one is one of them, and I'm sure you've gathered it from my blog already but:

My dad is dying.

And the past 24 hours have been a whirlwind of emotions. And blessings.

My family took him up the the Hospice House yesterday evening and were not real sure he was going to come back home.  I watched him slip in and out of hallucinations, with fear building up in me that we were about to lose him, and at the same time, fear that this would NEVER stop. It's this jumbled mix of erratic thoughts and emotions when your watching someone you love lose a battle.

Not long after we had been there, the Chaplin came in to see him. He's known Dad for the 2 years he's been on the Hospice program and I was shocked at how much he had really talked and listened to him. I mean he LISTENED. He knew it all. He sat with us, talking to Dad while holding his hand the entire time.

During this time, I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of  peace and warmth come over me. The panic disappeared. I felt calm. I NEVER feel calm.  And I knew that even if something happened, everything would be ok. I couldn't explain it. I just knew it. I remember the Chaplin turning to me and just smiling, almost like he had felt it too.
"Maybe someone is praying for me."  "Maybe it's just the peace of this place."  "Perhaps I really AM losing my mind."  Whatever it was, it was much welcomed and I KNEW it was SOMETHING. SOMETHING was with us. SOMETHING was trying to tell me that it would all be OK.

Saturday Dad was doing much much better, and heading back to normal. I had  asked him what he remembered.
"Almost all of it," he said. During this conversation, he kept turning around, and then laughed and said "I keep thinking there is someone back there." 
"Maybe there is,"  I said, laughing with him.
He turned and looked me, with his beautiful sky blue eyes, and said, "There has been. My dad was here last night."

And I smiled and  nodded my head.


Unknown said...

Oh, Becky. My heart is with you. I hope you know how many people are praying for you and your stubborn ole papa!

Melanie said...

I've never been sure which would be easier. .losing someone suddenly. .or watching them go slowly and immenantly. Maybe there isn't an easy way to experience it. .but know that God loves you and your people. .and that he is "right behind you" if you just remember to look for Him!! Love you!!

ragtime4361 said...

Oh, Becky, my dear! I'm so moved as I've cried buckets while reading your essay tonight! I'm so glad that you've found the peace that was offered to you last night! My heart is breaking while I remember my own mother's journey to Heaven. My prayers continue to be offered for all of your family, & also for my very dear, dear friend, Mike of the most wonderfully stubborn men I know! Hugs & love to you & your mom!

Dee/reddirtramblings said...

I know you don't know me, but thank you for sharing your story. I found your blog over on another person's blogroll. I'm sure you felt angels in the room. My MIL just died a few weeks ago, and a few days before, she kept talking about a party she needed to attend. Then, she'd say she needed to take a trip, and began packing all sorts of things in her room. She talked about her mother too. The ones we love still love us even after death. I'm sure that's true. Beautiful story, and you told it so well.~~Dee

Robin Allen said...

Oh heart and tears are so with you....Mike is absolutely the toughest guy I know....what a will to live he has....The seasons of life are spelled out for us in the Bible...this I does not make it easy for us here on earth...When my sweet mom died, a short 15 days after being diagnosed with cancer..during those few short days of her LAST days on earth...she was at peace with the Good Lord and all of us..we as her family actually prayed for God to take her SOON in her very final days...WE just could not bear to see her suffer...SOOOO on a cloudy rainy dreary day...she slipped off to heaven to celebrate with Jesus and here on earth the clouds parted just for a moment the sun came out and so did a rainbow....ENTRY...and a promise from God that all will be our his time...then it went right back to being dreary and rainy and such, somehow I just felt a calmness and a peace in my being....but do not mistake this as I was ok letting her go....ABSOLUTELY not I was not done living life with her... fast forward...10 yrs nearly 11 and I still miss her everyday and think of ALL the good she did while she was here and ALL the good she tried to teach me... I truly treasure what I had and STILL have this day because of her...So you will be with your dad....too, fine, sad, peaceful, and ultimately you have such a shining example of HOW TO BE...ALL that you can be...Prayers for understanding, comfort , courage (it takes aLOT of this ) strength, and soft kleenex's, arms of a hubby
to run to when you JUST can't take it anymore... Love you and your mom dearly...HUG HUG HUG
ps..sorry to hijack your blog

Rhonda said...

Becky, I am thinking of and praying for you and your family! A thing like this has to be so difficult. So glad you all stick together and treasure all the time you have together. When death comes, it separates us temporarily, and that's the hard part. So thankful that faith gives us a future! Again, love you all, and I'll be praying for your dad and all of you. *HUG*

Sara said...

It's hard to watch the people we love suffer. I am so glad you have been able to find some peace through the process. Love you Becky!!